My mom and I decided to go to the countryside for vacation to get a breath of fresh air since exposure to air pollution can cause stroke, ischemic heart disease, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, lung cancer, pneumonia, and cataracts, and everything went just as planned: the tourist attractions we wanted to visit were closed until summer, which isn’t such a bad thing considering that’s where people usually put their unwashed hands, spreading cold and flu viruses, a mechanic told us the wheels of our car were assembled in the wrong order, which I’m pretty sure isn’t true, but I wasn’t about to accuse him of having dyscalculia, especially knowing his constant exposure to carcinogenic dust could cause him respiratory complications like lung cancer and mesothelioma, a group of partner-swappers invited us to join in while we were eating pizza, as if we were tempted to catch human papillomavirus, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, trichomoniasis, or HIV, an old man tried to steal my mother’s purse in the middle of a bakery, which really triggered my hypertension, especially when I realized he peed his pants in the process and could transmit leptospirosis if he got too close, a random guy who shared the communal pool at the spa with us smelled like he hadn’t showered in months, which usually leads to dermatitis neglecta, my mother accidentally swallowed the communal pool’s water, the vaccination center was fully booked for cholera shots, the pharmacies told us that drinking Betadine "preventively" was not a thing, the emergency room made us eat charcoal even though we are obviously not barbecue appliances, social security refused to reimburse us, I’m almost certain my moles multiplied in the meantime, and on the way back, not only did I see a tiger mosquito drink my blood, but a feisty field mouse also bit me when I dropped a fry at a motorway rest area, and I swear I heard her whisper a list of global diseases and threats in alphabetical order before handing me a tiny knife and telling me to go back in time to kill baby Hitler, so I’m pretty sure my days are numbered.